This is going in the new book. I popped into a pet superstore today to buy copious amounts of dog food. Patiently waiting in line at the checkout, a customer rushed up to the desk and said, in an excited tone, that there was a “health and safety incident” in the store. I was expecting some trivial thing, such as a wet floor or broken glass (i.e. no big deal), but it was much better than that.

Being a curious sort, I momentarily stepped out of line and followed the excited customer and the bored sales assistant into the small animals aisle. “Look, there is a piece of paper on the floor.” (it was about 20cm square). “My wife knows someone that slipped on a bit of paper in Tesco and broke an arm.” (I’m not making this up).

I’m sorry? You think this is a health and safety “incident”? Have you thought of actually being alert and walking around it? Or perhaps you could be responsible and just pick the bit of paper up. (I didn’t actually say that. But I wish I had – but if I had there would have been an incident).